No Flawgers Allowed

To start the New Year off right, I received an email request for a guest post from Attorney Andy Woodbridge who apparently has a passion for construction and real estate and wants to ghost-write a post that befits the theme of The Trial Warrior Blog:

Andy writes,

From: Andy WoodbridgeSent: Wednesday, January 1, 2014 1:36 PM

To: pribetic@gmail.com

Subject: Guest Post Proposal

Hello,

My name is Andy Woodbridge and I am an attorney, who for years has worked closely with a number of reputable companies in the construction and real estate business.

In my free time I indulge in another passion of mine, which is, penning down articles and my views about things I know best.
I have ghost written a number of articles and have been published in reputed journals. Through my writing, it gives me a great deal of satisfaction to guide those, who need help in matters concerning construction and real estate.

I am keen to feature a guest post on you blog as it would do wonders for my portfolio as a writer. I realized it was time I stopped ghost-writing for others and built an online reputation for myself.
Here are a few ideas that I feel you will like:

1) Tips on Evicting Someone from You House Without Getting into a Legal
Tangle
2) Building Codes Explained in Detail
3) How to Get Compensated for Construction Delay
4) 10 Reasons Why You Need a Real Estate Attorney When Buying a Home
5) Things to Keep in Mind During Commercial Lease Negotiations.
6) Is it Possible for Foreigners to Buy Real Estate in the United
States?
7) Measures to Take if Your Property is Damaged in a Tornado or Other
Natural Disaster
8) Repercussions of Failing to Disclose Environmental Defects in
Property Sales
9) How to Resolve Disputes Over Boundary Lines
10) Tips on Fighting an Eviction
11) How to Better Understand and Avoid Constructions Liens
12) Common Mistakes Made During Foreclosures

I would be glad to write on any of the above topics and am open to any ideas or suggestions that you might have. Lastly, I am willing to part with $20 for you efforts in publishing my article, as I think it would
be a sound investment.

I hope your reply is in the positive, so your readers get the opportunity to benefit from what I have to say.

Regards

Andy

I usually delete these unsolicited spam guest blog post requests, but perhaps it was the good tidings of comfort and joy and sheer boredom that compelled me to respond to Andy in the spirit of the holiday season. Although nothing close to how Ken White at Popehat deals with these types of requests: see: Ponies 101: Introduction To Ponies , I responded as follows:

Dear Andy:

Salutations and Felicitations!

I acknowledge with many thanks receipt of your email inquiring about a guest post proposal for The Trial Warrior Blog.

I am genuinely pleased that you find The Trial Warrior Blog such a seamless fit for your twin passions of real estate and construction.

I share your passions: I not only enjoy reading ghost written articles about real estate, I actually live in a dwelling that can be characterized as real estate, in fee simple, as it were. I also have picked up a hammer in my lifetime and have constructed formidable forts and doghouses in the folly of my youth. Alas, when one only has a hammer, everything begins to look like a nail.

Before we explore the prospects of a guest post or posts, I require samples of your ghost-written articles and links to your published articles in reputable journals. You will readily appreciate that unsolicited proposals for guest posts on The Trial Warrior Blog are a dime a dozen; in fact, if I had a dime for each time someone randomly asked to write a guest post on The Trial Warrior Blog, I would have a lot of dimes, tenfold.

Also, while I cannot appropriate the content of other great legal writers and blawgers, such as Ken White at Popehat, I must insist on at least three (3) pony related posts. By this, I mean, of course, content relating to the splendor of the prepubescent equine variety. Law is a complex area fraught with risk of unauthorized practice, incorrect, misleading, and oftentimes, inane posts masquerading as legal analysis. The interposition of ponies has the tendency to make turgid legal analysis run like the wind.

Also, I am confident that you are familiar with my online reputation as I am big on Twitter. It’s kind of a big thing. You may know me for such tweets as “I AM CALLED EDITH!” and “Happy New Year, you bunch of f*****g losers!”

In keeping with my prediction that 2014 will be The Year of Living Dangerously”, I will happily accept your offer to pay me $20 per post, on condition that you amend the titles and content to your posts as follows:

1) Tips on Evicting Someone from You House Without Getting into a Legal Tangle: Poltergeist Edition
2) Building Codes Explained in Detail- In Esperanto
3) How to Get Compensated for Construction Delay – By Hiding in a Shed
4) 10 Reasons Why You Need a Real Estate Attorney When Buying a Home – Put That Coffee Down, Coffee’s For Closers!
5) Things to Keep in Mind During Commercial Lease Negotiations- Remember to Use Post-Hypnotic Suggestions
6) Is it Possible for Foreigners to Buy Real Estate in the United States? – Yes, unless they’re Canadians or Roma
7) Measures to Take if Your Property is Damaged in a Tornado or Other Natural Disaster – Extreme Hail Damage and Ponynado Exclusions and Riders

8) Repercussions of Failing to Disclose Environmental Defects in Property Sales – The Goggles! They Do Nothing!
9) How to Resolve Disputes Over Boundary Lines – Get Off My Land, McCreary!
10) Tips on Fighting an Eviction – Barricading and Building a Crocodile-Infested Moat, For Starters
11) How to Better Understand and Avoid Constructions Liens – I AM CALLED EDITH! YOUR CONSTRUCTION LIEN IS INVALID! GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY!

12) Common Mistakes Made During Foreclosures- Including: Forgetting the Keys; Checking the Address on The Internet; Yelling “I Have The Power (of Sale)! Like He-Man, etc.

I look forward to your despatch at your earliest and most collegial convenience.

Yours sincerely,

Antonin I. Pribetic

The Trial Warrior Blog

 NO FLAWGERS ALLOWED *

* If you don’t know what a “Flawger” or “Flawging” means, see: Flawging A Dead Horse .

6 Responses to “No Flawgers Allowed”

  1. shg Says:

    Barricading and Building a Crocodile-Infesred Moat, For Starters

    Perhaps you meant “infested.” Perhaps you meant “infrared.” Moats come in so many variations these days, it’s hard to tell. But it’s unfair to leave Attorney Andy with such a quandary.

  2. Antonin I. Pribetic Says:

    Infrared would have been better. Sharks with frickin’ lasers on their frickin’ heads are not as good a deterrent as frickin’ crocodiles with infrared detectors on their frickin’ heads, but your kilometrage may vary. All the best for the New Year, Scott.

  3. Rebecca Says:

    Your post made my day, thanks.

  4. Antonin I. Pribetic Says:

    Humbly at your service.

  5. jamie lynch (@jamiebwebdesign) Says:

    This is very interesting to me as I have just received the same email you received from the so-called Attorney, Andy Woodbridge. Only in my email he is a Family Law attorney who for years has worked closely with families, helping resolve issues related with divorce, child custody, alimony, DUI etc. Oh, and I guess he’s really impressed with my blog as he wants to pay me $30 per post.
    What’s the deal with this guy (or girl)?

  6. Jennifer Sergent (@jensergent) Says:

    So glad I found you — I blog about design and architecture, and I just got an email from Andy yesterday. Perhaps you chased him out of the legal profession, because now he runs a home improvement and interior design business. But he kept parts of the form letter the same: “In my free time, I write about the things I know best. Partly because I like helping people do up their homes and also because I want to establish myself as a writer.

    I am keen to feature an article on your site as it would do wonders for my portfolio as a writer and also help me reach out to a really large audience.”

    And clearly, he’s hit on hard times (or I’m the one who’s the loser)—because alas, he didn’t offer me any money at all!!

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